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anotherheartwhispersback:

Chloe talks about Skimmons at Paleyfest March 23, 2014.

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Things I am currently flailing about

eemersonm:

  • CHLOE AND ELIZABETH HIGH-FIVING OVER MENTION OF KISSING
  • CHLOE RE-STATING SHE AND ELIZABETH SHIP SKIMMONS
  • CHLOE AND ELIZABETH HOLDING HANDS
  • IAN SUGGEST HE SWITCH SEATS SO CHLOE AND ELIZABETH CAN SIT NEXT TO EACH OTHER
  • CHLOE ADDING SKIMMONS IS PART OF THE GLUE THAT HOLDS THE TEAM TOGETHER
  • JEPH…

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Doing homework. But it is Friday, and I’m having rum + “we found love” by Rihanna.  I’m lame, but the party in my head AINT!

Doing homework. But it is Friday, and I’m having rum + “we found love” by Rihanna.  I’m lame, but the party in my head AINT!

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“You’re gonna set this world on fire, kiddo.” – RuPaul

I’ve always loved that saying.  Hearing RuPaul say it the other day only reminded me of something I’d forgotten, something I’d wanted for myself, something that at one time in my life I thought I felt deep in my bones – that one day I would set the world on fire.  It feels like one day came and went, passed me by, and I missed it.

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obligatory “I’m back” with a bit of retrospection.

It’s been years and ears since I’ve poured some of myself into a blog/journal online.  I thought maybe I should start up again.

In the interim, my patience with myspace fizzled quickly, facebook was nice for a while, until all the changes and ultimately the “bitching and bragging”.  I swore I’d never do Twitter, but eventually, for the sake of wanting to simply understand how the damn thing works, I started using it a couple of months ago.  It has quickly become something I enjoy doing; talking with people about shows, movies, and music that we share an interest in.  Apparently, I’ve been starving for that kind of connection. God knows I won’t find such a diverse place to “socialize” on a farm in the middle of the county.

But I digress.  This wasn’t about singing my praises of Twitter.

Several years ago, I guess I took a step away from myself, more like a 20 hour flight away from myself.  I stopped writing about my life.  I stopped writing stories.  I stopped writing songs and music, playing and singing.  I stopped enjoying things I always had before, and really feeling anything at all.

Could I blame it on the tumultuous family drama at the time?  Sure.  Blame it on the fallout of stumbling back in love with someone that was a disastrous relationship the first time around?  Probably.  How about because I was just running blindly away from everything?  Maybe.

It’s likely because if you tell yourself enough times, for a long enough period of time, that because of every bad thing that has happened to you you’d be better off alone, not feeling anything.  That you don’t need anyone because it will only lead to heartache and disappointment, that people only let you down, break your heart, and in the end, they just forget you anyway.  The won’t stay, they don’t stick around to help you through.  People always leave.  Well, truthfully, I wasn’t much there to begin with.  I stopped emotionally investing in lots of things because I didn’t want to waste the energy, because the people around me always took whatever I had, whatever I gave, and then seemingly, quite easily took me for granted.

It’s a shitty placed to stand.  It’s ugly and selfish.  But let’s be honest, when you’re looking for the truth, it’s not going to be easy or pretty, and even the most disfiguring side of yourself, the most repulsive characteristic of yourself has to be considered.  Otherwise, what’s the point of looking critically at the whole picture to see the brush strokes.

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To be nobody in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
E.E. Cummings